Cake Boy (gasolinebreath) wrote,
Cake Boy

magic dance

i feel so disconnected from livejournal. My relationship with it is really voyeuristic. I log on, stalk everyone else and then go. i leave no sign i've been on at all. not even a comment on anyone's blogs.
So, i've had a really enjoyable last few days at work because i decided that i would take books to read at work between phone calls because trying to find substance in the website for 8 hours a day was getting really tiresome. Also, because it was filling me with all this unnecessary rage cause i kept reading people's opinions and comments on news stories,blogs etc. it made me INFURIATED! my favourite thing on it was the Winehouse section and i was greatly amused that there was a whole page dedicated to winehouse news. There was also a whole page dedicated to Paris Hilton. it greatly amused me but it was really dull because i mean she's kind of flown under the radar in terms of her media attention these days.
Anyhow, back to the reading. I read Catcher in the Rye which (i was reading for the second time) i LOVED, even more so than the first time i read it. I always find it extraordinarily necessary to read good books once every two years or so. because things always have a new meaning at different points in your life. unless you dont change in ONE BIT in two years. which is bizarre. who does that?
Anyhow, after reading catcher in the rye (which at the time i thought was so perfect and relevant to my life. i thought it was absolutely astonishing) i went on to reading Harry Potter the most recent book. it was so amazing. a beautiful emotional journey. I had these teary moments at work which was sort of annoying. i even got those little convulses at one or two points which were only slight but i still hope no one was watching me. oh, and one other thing that i did differently this time was that i DID NOT read the epilogue. i refuse to EVER read that again. what a hideous piece of writing. Oh GOD, don't get me started. It reminds me of perhaps when i was in year 5 or 6 and we read a book in class and one of the tasks was to write an alternative ending. The epilogue is something i would right. such a LOOSE ending. so full of holes and it's so basic and like.. i wouldn't be surprised if she revealed that she got one of her kids to write it. GOD it's so bad. but in a way i was always really less than impressed with J.K. Rowling's conclusion skills. i was always left dissatisfied with all the endings of her books. but this one TAKES THE MOTHER FUCKING CAKE. gosh. i cannot rant enough about how much i hate it.
My isolation at work has lead to decide that i MUST be a wizard as well. torn apart from the rest of society because of my big secret. i can only be myself around my friends and like minded people. i can simply NOT make a connection with these people. it's like an aspect of personality is hidden from these people.. aka wizardry. i am magic. i can make magic happen because i am a smart person. they aren't. i hope this makes sense. it makes perfect sense to me. i hope you can understand the parallels, the metaphor. If you don't, you mustn't be a wizard, you mustn't have the magic.
I was brought to the ultimate point of rage the other day because i was forced to witness something that touches a very, very sensitive spot in my brain, bullying. ok, it's really lame but i was watching australia's next top model and he story was there are under 18s in the competition which means there's bound to be ridiculous school yard type bitching, which i sort of didn't expect would be so severe. There was this girl who was like introverted, intelligent etc aka the geek. and she was the kind of girl who, like me back in the day, responded to bullying by not responding, thus giving them nothing to feed upon. Now, sometimes this works because you don't give the bully the satisfaction of getting an emotion out of you but some people are so persistent that they pester you until you break which is what these bitch ass girls did. and then there was a breaking point and vulnerability and tears and my chest was heaving in anger i almost turned it off because i couldn't stand to watch it. let me see if i can find the clip.

So, i guess you can get a rough idea. It was more emotional watching the whole of the series but yeh. i wanted to die and repeatedly stab someone. It was convenient actually cause one of the bullies was a friend of a friend so i messaged the friend in my rage going "you're friend is a cruel person" he got defensive naturally and the short of my reply was. i know its wrong of me to judge without meeting her but i know that good people don'd do this kind of thing.
It really just confuses me how people can be like that. it really stems from nowhere a lot of the time apart from insecurity. and i just don't understand the concept of 'oh, im really insecure about this thing.. I KNOW! i'll go and torment this person cause they have fuzzy hair, or they're quiet or they sit out during sports' humbug. i hate school children for this reason. I sometimes get inspired to become a school teacher because i foolishly believe i can somehow make an impact in eradicating some bullying.

So, i feel i've made a substantial enough rant to cover my inner feeling of guilt for not documenting my life to the fullest. I'm hoping to see the Rocky Horror show this weekend. it would be fantastic i feel. *fingers crossed till they snap*

alright, until another time, probably in a months time as goes the trend.
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