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Cake Boy

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stale bread, yeah is hot! [13 Jan 2010|01:50am]
Geez,
this always happens. Sleep is never my thing, i don't think it will ever become my big thing.
Writing in this livejournal has never been my thing, either. Well, it once was, but now it's a big bloody mess of sad old entries about how i used to be cool.

Going on a road trip tomorrow. It's to be major! going to Brisbane. Matt's Bruz called today saying he and haley were having a car and jetsetting off to bris, did we want to come. Our resounding response was, why not!?
It's not like i do anything around here anyhow. That being sad, i've been Mr. Anxiety ever since committing to this but at the same time this new found spontaneity will somehow prove to be a powerful tool in the future.

perhaps this is why i cannot sleep.

To pass the time of not sleeping i am undertaking a gruelling task. I'm going through my itunes.. and well, so i downloaded ALL of tori amos' Legs and Boots albums.. and they're the live show bootlegs.. and there are 27 albums.. or is it 17. or is it less. i can't remember. anyhow, the number 7 comes to mind.. and so does 27 but i don't think there are that many. Anyhow, so obviously it's going to happen that i have double ups.. and so i'm trying to narrow down to ONE version of each song. Very brain draining yet very addictive. esp annoying when there are 12 versions of the one song and especially when it's a song i don't particularly feel special about.

In other news, i'm currently pink as pink can be. Went to the beach today with mattsy and yeh lied in the sun for like a million hours. Hilarious, it was the nudist beach. So many mini debacles. My favourite event of the day was a naked man who was strangely overweight in this tumour esque way.. and he went for a little dip.. and we thought he had falling over in the water... but when he got up he was holding a fish in his hand. so somehow he pounced at this fish and caught it with his bare hands. His bare, naked hands! so comical.
i was generally so amused by the amount of naked brown old people there were. there was some sort of gay side and some straight side but i think they sometimes chopped and changed but mostly those groups. the gay side was a half beat/half beach. I have to say, at first i felt a little objectified but i soon moved it out of my mind and enjoyed myself. for the record, i was not a nudist. i have no desire to have tanned genitals. not just yet at least.

what other shit has been going down in my life, you ask. to be honest, i don't know what foot we left off on and really here and now is what matters so i won't dwell on what has happened and hope for the best that my brain doesn't wonder into Alzheimer's land and i am left without that chunk of months documented.

Oh geez, i just suddenly lost my jazz for typing. again, i may have to bail.
3 crafty mccraft face responses| WIT ME

shaded [20 Aug 2009|03:06pm]
I should never drink tea (or caffeine altogether) again! it's hell. even a meaningless cup of teas sends me over the deep end. I'm so jittery and wild. i can't handle it.

Today has disappointed me. It was not the sunny beast i had hoped for. I wanted to eb amazing and sit out in the sun and write letters and shit but it's one cloudy sadness with tempting parcels of tiny sun.

So, we have chickens now. Wild i know. its been about 24 hours and bromley hasn't killed them yet. but perhaps rival birds or rats will. these rival birds i speak of are hell. I mean they're nice to look at but it's just not a good idea to have me and large scary birds in a similar vicinity. i live in fear everytime i go outside. well, once they were fighting and they swooped so close to my face. i have never been the same since.

So, last night i had the mini dinner party at jon and kris' house. it was joy to the max. and against everyone's advice i bike rode home. with a mini train ride in between. When the i got off the train and was riding home i stopped thinking about what i was doing and started thinking about the gears on the bike and when this happens (the thinking about other things but riding) something accident will always prevail. so i smashed into this car. it was parked and had no one in it but i think i broke off their side view mirror. oops. i then found one of those cross trainers and i carried it home. it was so hell. wheeling my bike and carrying this beast of a machine and crossing a main road in Ashfield. not good. but i got here. and it was joyful.

Anyhow, the world's most borin' thing. i should go.
6 crafty mccraft face responses| WIT ME

defiant [19 Aug 2009|05:34pm]
was just looking over my journal and the last thing i've posted was about the whole Michael Jackson death thing. what a long time ago. I didn't want that to linger.
*reflects on the media for a second*


OK, so after basically a million years of applying for jobs i got my very first call back! wtf! after 3 months of applying!? ok, so the story is it's for this boring call centre and shit but it has the good hours and the good rates and if i only have to spend 5 hours there a day.. like.. i have 19 more to myself. building strength. I have sent out a plea to the universe, to the angels to any sort of other worldy and helpful forces to give me strength to do this. I will have to draw from and channel so many beings to work this job. But, it will happen when i don't need them all the time. Actually, what am i saying? i haven't even gotten this job yet right? but i'm pretty sure that since i've secured a face to face interview i can pretty much rule and get the job. Seriously, the only times i fuck up is over the phone. stupid phone. people always catching me at bad hours. lame.

what else is new? or old as the case may be. So, i live in the Ashfield house. Where i wanted to live for so long and now that i'm there i realised it's not all it's cracked up to be. Actually no, that can be taken the wrong way. I knew i wasn't 100% into it when i found out i was able to move in but i take what i can get. This is the ideal house for me at this very moment of being on the old cenno and shit. $80 a week rent is basically my fave thing. the bottom line is that ashfield sucks and it's name should be permanently changed to assfield. nah, it has it's perks but seriously i'm not going to go into them. it would benefit no one for me to praise a place which i was neutral about. what sense does this make?

so, i made a new friend too. this is fun! the thing that was most exciting for me was that he was one of the gays who weren't 100% wanting to have the pants party. i don't approve of the instant pants party or even any pants party at all. so i have 100% relief. and it has been what i have been wanting for a little bit. a friend or a group or something separate from what i have now. Someone similar to me with similar interests but totally not into the hippy/doof scene. and it's not like i don't appreciate that but sometimes i need the little bit of the breaks. it becomes taxing when i have to enter that zone every second of the day. well, not every second, i exaggerate but yes. I think i just need people around to affirm me of myself. and it's not like i don't already have friends that aren't into these things but i wanted more. more freshness. Fragrant and Fresh.

my userpic is so old. i was just looking at it. so very old. i really don't invest any time into this livejournal business anymore. i keep hitting up the old facebook cause i can deliver short and punch accounts on my life through a status updates. which brings me joy.

oh, it's kinda dark. i was going to bicycle to chippendale/redfern but i feel this dark may be the end of me. p.s. i am 100% into the healthy life these days as well. I'm hell bent on the exercising and shit. I'm gonna buy a one month membership thingy to the pools on thursday and see how that works out. Considering i am not the world's best swimmer it may be quite a challenge to be swimming laps. but i loves the water. but then public pools are so heavily chlorinated i might die. *invests in googles*. So, i'm going to have a housewarming party at some stage too. it will be brills. it's a big under the sea theme. i must visit this realm through a themed party at some stage in my life. i am 100% into the sea and i'm pretty much convinced i am a mermaid. perhaps a merman, if they exist. nah, i'm too glamourous to be a merman. so plain. mermaid = the bomb. esp the beastly ones.

so i might GTFO
5 crafty mccraft face responses| WIT ME

everyone's at it [27 Jun 2009|12:35pm]
What a World! (i'm melting)
I don't want to start my entry off with something about Michael but it's the only thing i can think of that happened recently in my life. ha! It was a strange thing to find out but at the same time it didn't come as a surprise to the practically thinking mind. Although, i had a weird feeling the night before which prompted me to tell matt that i felt like i was going to die in my sleep. The presence of death was so prominent around me before i went to sleep. It very well could have been around the same time as his downfall. I woke up at 8.30 to a phonecall from emsie informing me of the unfortunate news.
I felt weird all of yesterday but then i got past in a way that always seems to work for me; getting drunk and talking about it (perhaps a bit too much)
The thing about death though that i really am not into is the euphemisms people use. Like someone being gone and things that really display that people think death is the end. I think it's a very Christian thing and we do live in a very christian dominated society so it makes sense. When i think about it, he hasn't made any music for like the last maybe 9 years and so there's no sense in saying what's going to happen to music? he is a legend and legends don't get forgotten. What everyone loves him for is the music that he released in the 80s and 90s and has always existed. It existed as amazing music the day before he died, a week before and it will continue to exist until forever. I think i get a bit high and mighty a little bit when a death happens. People either talk about the person/death with either a harsh way which makes it look like they don't really care, they're just saying it because that's what they are expected to say/feel and some people get the hysteria where they think they need to justify to the world how great someone was. I think the bottom line is i should have avoided facebook completely yesterday. So many hellish status updates making me sick. The problem here though is me. not anyone else. that's the way it goes. It's not anyone else's wrong doing but my own. i'm gonna bail!
1 crafty mccraft face response| WIT ME

Northern Lights [04 Jun 2009|03:18pm]
Ahoy,
It's very strange. I decided to listen to Scarlett's Walk and all of a sudden i am transported back to when i was in year 10. i can't remember how old that makes me? 15? (shit that written down seems like a long time ago yet it feels so close in my mind) and i started thinking about livejournal. I must have been obsessed with livejournal back then.. I think possibly i was. It was probably because i was wanting to reach out and find a thousand people i could connect with that represent me in a justified way. Nowadays, that is all i'm surrounded in (or perhaps im more personality eclectic) so i have nil desire in trying to find peeps like me.
I think these days whenever i am not talking i have this internal monologue/blog going on and on and on and on and on and i sort of blog or write down things in my head. This tiny little diary in my head and when i get to a place where i can actually document any of this i can really replicate the mood or something so it never happens. It's a shame because i think so many things that i want to share that sound interesting to me and i think it could translate into sounding interesting to other people. Sucks to be me and my lack of expressive instruments. must get hobbies pronto.

I've been reading the book Tori Amos released called Piece by Piece. At first i was bit unsure whether i'd get into it or not and then suddenly it gets really amazing and like this spirit in me is released and I'm getting all philosophical and such. It made me sort of realise my talents or my ability to pass along things.

Something else quite amazing in my life as of late is that i just one day last week decided to let go of this hermit attitude i've been adopting for the last 3 months or however long i've lived at matt's. For months i have just been too comfortable living here but in a way where i was completely uncomfortable and i didn't think i cold go out and find a place of comfort so i just let myself sit here and fester and not expand and see my friends and such. I decided matt was my only friend. I was comfortable with this. Then all of a sudden i go out and i see all my other friends and i realise there is so much more there for me. It comes at a good time because i am almost at this insanity point living here. I would to get out of this joint. There are many things holding me back. Like, partially things out of my control but things i can endeavour to change but with things as they are i cannot instantly leave. I must go back a few steps and just add this point onto my thing. I had this weird idea that my only comfort could come from this house. Like, sleeping in my bed etc but ironically the most comfortable and best sleep i've had has been when i have stayed at friend's houses in the last week. even sharing a single mattress on poppy's floor was really comfortable. i was surprised!

The other night, it was Tuesday, a couple of us went to Bingo! at some Ashfield leagues club or some shit. It was pretty amazing. On the first round matt won! then laura one soon after that and Nicole also one. that was half of our table. pretty good. The theory is that because mostly old people go to bingo they are probably not as quick as us young and virile folks. so a $20 is like heaven for us poor folks. It's hilarious. we are turning to free bingo in our poverty stricken days. These old people don't NEED food vouchers. They're all rich and cooshy in their pension ways. Boo! i want all the prizes. So yeh, Tuesday at bingo is going to be a regular thing. We are going to become yeniuses and have like 3 booklets at once just stamping away like crazy hopefully winning all the prizes!

I'm all about the prizes. Anything i can acquire for free i would appreciate being alerted to. Even if it's somewhat illegal or frowned upon. I'm down. so down.

ok, i'm sorta over this shit now.
1 crafty mccraft face response| WIT ME

Fair Game [30 Apr 2009|06:50am]
So, What's New on the old livejournal world?

Today i head off for Brisbane... Very much fun. I don't particularly like the place but it's an adventure and when you have some friends that live their it's muchly amazing to see them because you don't often come across people as special as that. So yeh, the Punky Beudster is paying for matt and i to go up their because she is a beast of a million charities. Just for the fun of it, I invited Emma as well. She is paying herself but still. I'm so thrilled she is coming too. Everytime i've been up there i've thought to myself that it would be so much more joy if she was there too. Especially since everytime i've gone up there i've gotten some sort of horrible depression. Not horrible, temporary and fleeting but unpleasant nonetheless.

I did the most ridiculous thing this morning. I woke up after dreaming about delicious Orange Slushie.. like a Sunkist made into slushie.. and i had to settle for crappy water. This always happens to me. Especially on hangover days. I dream about the most amazing and satisfying bevvies and then i wake up and all i have is water. What a downer. Damn wine and it's delicious qualities but occasional day-after consequences and inconveniences.

*hates it*

*loves it*

So, more about my travels right? When i get back from ye olde brisbane i sit around stagnant for ten days and then i head down to the ever so cosmopolitan Melbourne. Again, i recruited Emma to come down with me. It was $29 (!!!!!!) down. what a joy. I am actually just a leech again. Jess was going down and i decided to just tag along. I have to find some hellish accommodation in the form of backpackers/youth hostels... i wish i had a friend/friends in melbourne who could accommodate for me and my complex existence.. BOO!
anyone know where i can squat? haha. nah, no squatting.. too cold.

My tiny feet are so cold. This should not be a waking hour. No, 530? what a foolish person i am.

I'm sure most people have seen this but i just want to delve into it's greatness. I'm sure most peeps have seen the Beyonce on The Morning Show video where she's all like 'i literally can't sing' with the whole.. someone altering all the singing so she sounds like the world's biggest fruitcake. So Amazing. I think it's actually the best thing to hit the Southern Hemisphere... OK, so someone just tells me it's not fake...? Am i watching the wrong thing? because literally it's so fake. so freaken fake. No one in their right mind would sing with the vocal quality etc that she does. I'm scared to find the video in case it gets taken down. I've noticed how it keeps miraculously disappearing off the internet.


Ok, it literally is the world's biggest prank. I just went out of my way to prove it. Not really to myself but for the backing up i am right.

I'm so crazy for The Simple Life now.. Well, for a while.. I'm developing some sort of Paris addiction. ha!
We watched the show Paris Hilton's My British Best Friend. same concept as the BFF how but a British one. Well, pretty obvious isn't it?

but yes, i spent a portion of my K-Rudd bonus on acquiring The third and forth season. delicious.

I think i've exhausted the whole posting thing. I will hopefully do more soon.

delicious nings.
WIT ME

Elevation [31 Mar 2009|08:55pm]
Got myself somehow into a really good state of mind. For the first time in my life i am not waiting for nothing. I am not stagnant hoping to make my mind up about something but never actually sitting down and doing something about it. What a bizarre thing! So now i am waiting for things that are out of my control but i am not stagnant and hopefully i will not be stagnant for quite some time. Very good. Good like an apple.
I am pretty excited. Matt and I booked our tickets to Canberra. We are going in a week! i know our nation's capital is not the most exciting places to be bragging about going to but it's because of what and who is there. I get to see Switch. One of my best besties who i CANNOT WAIT! to see. She has her own appartment now. Which is two bedrooms which matt and i get to stay in. So much fun. And then the Folk Festival over the long weekend. The best thing ever. Oh, the volunteering aspect of the folk festival is not my most looked forward to moment but it gets me in for free. saving $180. this is always a positive. and it's just surveying people. I intend to just fill out a lot of them myself with different perspectives. haha.

To go with this brief update I shall do a fill out meme thing. (what the hell does meme mean? I should totally look it up for myself but i am lazy) I did it on facebooks. You answer questions with your answers being the names of songs from an artist of your choice. I chose tori amos on the facebooks. I'll do Bjork here i think.

Over the rainbowCollapse )
WIT ME

Impoverished [27 Mar 2009|11:14am]
So, i think i have become unnaturally obsessed with drag queens. Mhmm. So many movies and stuff in the last 2 or 3 days that make me just want to.. make clothes.
Which i guess is a good thing because i'm starting some course thing very soon which will tell me how to.

Yesterday matt and i went on a 11km walk. It took like 3 hours. Marrickville and back. how fun. I freaken hate marrickville i have decided. Not even hatred but the fact that it incredibly depresses me when i go there. It's a wasteland.

The day before it was Rozelle and back. that was around 6km. Today i think the plan is Balmain. Go and sit at the wharf for a bit.

I have found a coping mechanism. A mantra, if you will. Now, these things i usually think of i have already discovered before but sometimes it takes me a while for the affect of the words or concept to sink in. Last night i was getting so aggravated by so many things to do with people. So bitter towards them. So judgmental. I just pick apart at people's personalities and just mentally rip them to shreds. I have comforted myself with telling myself that everyone has to survive and everyone is doing there thing to live a life they think is right for them. So, it sounds really simple and dumb but somehow it's had this profound effect on me and now i don't feel so aggressive towards people as of last night.

I wonder how long it will last.
1 crafty mccraft face response| WIT ME

soliloquy [17 Mar 2009|12:22pm]
My Gosh, I swear, moving out of a house never goes smoothly. Always drama! always excessive amounts of money owing. That's it! i Swear i resolved to do this last time but i am for reals going to be the Matron of the house and be a vigilante with all the rent things so there's not an amazing drama at the end where people probably end up paying more than they should.

Anyhow, the thing i hate the most, The Dramatics, is occurring so frequently these days. I have to just stand away and view it and not get involved. HELL!
The reason i am in such a hellish situation at the moment is because there was this whole thing where i was going to move into this house with amazingly cheap rent $80 a week! in Ashfield. very very good. I think for 2 months i (and a couple of others) had this idea where we were all going to move in and it would be the most amazing house of epic proportions and cheerfulness would be had. We're all fantasising every day about the excellence that will occur i our lives and then all of a sudden we have to move out of Croydon and Laura and Geoff move to Ashfield and I am thinking that The Toners and I would be there pretty soon after. Everyone from that house is moving out. But, as it all works out everyone that is there decides to stay. Thus, we have no house with delicious cheap rent.
We're back on the house hunting page.

many, many stresses. Although as i type this the stress has actually become productive. I am already working towards fixing everything and everything feels like it has a resolution. I just wanted to record this certain time. The ultimate solution for me is that there's only a week. just a week left. and this stress is over and lifted from my shoulders completely. When i hand those keys in next monday i will drink a thousand drinks to celebrate.

what a boring thing to say
1 crafty mccraft face response| WIT ME

paparazzi [04 Mar 2009|11:47pm]
Aloha from Spain!

Note: i'm not actually in Spain.

Tomorrow matt's family go to New Zealand that means that the house is 50% mine. Which freaks me out a little bit. I will feel so out of my depth. I don't think i will even properly relax without anyone here. Infact, it may feel even more disorderly in my head. Anyhow, to compensate for matt not being here i am actually giving myself so many social endeavours. The next three days are hectic. I have had to use the nifty iCalendar on this computer to sort out my days so that i don't accidentally tell someone i can do something with them.. it's what i tend to do because i don't see people so often and they ask me to do something i'll just say yes without thinking about it because i want to see them so much. Oops.

I'm so incredibly tired but sleep is such a task to me. The process of trying to go to sleep is soo freaken hard!
I have to think about sleep so hard that i end up thinking too much and can't sleep. damn vicious cycles.

at least it's still before midnight.

Tomorrow, i am going to Kelly's for trivia with Poppy, Emma and i'm not sure who else is coming along but it will sure be great. I just have to avoid drinking to excessively strange stages this time and doing hilarious karaoke after the trivia and yeh. Well, last time i just .. i don't think i could actually sing so i sang badly on purpose. I was fearful no-one would get my joke. My friends did. I wonder what the patrons thought though. GULLLLL! But yes, should be fun.

I went to Newtown today.. I was absolutely shocked because (as i had previously discovered) the shop Holey Moley had closed and i was there a couple of days ago and matt said to me "i hope they don't paint over the artworks here" because they had some really good paintings on the outside of that shop. and when we went there today it had been painted over.. and not only had it been painted over, it had been painted over very very badly. with this hideous WHITE paint.. the wall was like this yellowish colour! why not just do it properly. what idiots. I was having the discussion as well that Newtown has really lost it's "alternative" thing that it used to have. Most of the alternative shops have kind of gone bung. All that's left really is the hairdressers and like some shops on enmore road. It's balls. It's really becoming this big trend fest. And all the delicious foods that i used to revel in have gone. or at least, gotten really popular and thus expensive and stingy. LAME!

I went to Centrelink today, it was so depressing. I had the world's worst "customer service agent" he was actually the a giant douche cunt. so unhelpful and matter of fact and uncompassionate. I was rude to him though. I demeaned his job which i think got him defensive and therefore more unhelpful which resulted in me being sarcastic and rude. But in the end, i got my most favourite worker at the centrelink and i was extremely grateful that it al worked out. A girl was hysterically crying though. That was the depressing part. It was hell! it's all just so protocol that no one will really help. Nothing can be done to help people. No one wants to help. It sucks. The good thing is, because i am sick, i don't have to go in every fortnight and hand to forms so i can get paid. I just get paid automatically. It's awesome. Woo @ me.

I spent like $20 at the supermarket today. All i actually bought was bevvys and beverage additions. I bought no real solid food. Liquid Diet anyone?



Anyhow, i might do this fun thing where I was tagged by martinemonster to do this little thingy.

Do Read On..Collapse )
1 crafty mccraft face response| WIT ME

draams! [03 Mar 2009|02:25am]
I gave our 3 weeks notice today. It was pretty swish. I faxed it through and everything, feeling all professional. This means that by the 23rd i won't have to worry anymore about any of this rent debt shit. Woo Fucking Hoo! I just have to try and get someone to move into my room for the last two weeks. The german backpacker couple are moving out on Saturday to go to Bigger and Better things. aka Melbourne and then China. Although, sucks to be them, missing out on Mardi Gras. They were a bit disappointed and told us that some parade they have is at 10am and it means you can party all day.. I'm sort of more into this idea. But i guess everyone looks good under the moonlight although only the blessed look good in the daylight. sad but true.

Everyone keep your eyes out please? for anyone that would want my room for 2 weeks. If you run into any sticky sitches.. or anything...?

i can't believe i am actually still awake today. I woke up so early this morning (well, not early just that i didn't have adequate sleep). and i felt so unmotivated for a large part of the day and then when i finally got motivated to go out and do things i find out about all these dramas which bug me. srsly, i make a fairly conscious effort to avoid drama because i find it so incredibly unnecessary and weighing on a person yet it is still a personal fave of like literally every person to seek out these dramas, turn them into something bigger than it actually should be and make themselves miserable or stuck because of it. I am so not into this.

This arvo ended up being nice. We went to Hyde Park to hang out. it was nice. I bought Sangria and i had never tasted this stuff before. It reminded me of the punch we made for the Croydance party last year. Man, i miss parties. Just the concept creation and the setting up the house and the heart and soul i put into my character and theme and shit like that. I should have one again. Perhaps before we move out??? A big going away party. But to be honest, I don't feel incredibly attached to Croydon. I don't have much an emotional connection with it. it seemed to be a lot more of annoyance than good times.

I might end my observating here now. I have this hideous insomnia/glandualr fever so i can't sleep at night and then i get to sleep and i want to sleep all day. This is not a good habit, no not at all. it sucks so many rabbits.
1 crafty mccraft face response| WIT ME

soiled [28 Feb 2009|07:15pm]
Again, it comes to desperate times.

I have been lurking around for many years just looking, only looking.

So, i'll explain my life since 6 weeks ago...
Very recently i found myself asking "Life; could you possibly throw me any more obstacles?"
So let's rewind to get an understanding of this....

So, i don't know how long ago i have posted and what i mentioned there but yeh work was pretty shaky for quite some time. I got some good advice from friends and a lot of un asked for help! which really made me happy and appreciate my babes that i've known forever. I decided to keep going with the work thing and not try and turn my life around on such a large scale because i didn't think i was ready for it at the time.. But instead, i have been handed the same outcome on an unsuspecting platter (like one of this platters that have food under it but are covered by one of those lids and a waiter brings it around and reveals the scrumptious meal you're about it eat) That's how it's happened.

I got fired cause i was so incredibly sick. reasonable though... I apparently had 20 days off since i started on the phones in December. surprisingly, i had only 7 doctors certificates. which astounds me because i remember spending much more time at the doctors than seven times in the last 3 months. Apparently also, i had 4 days where i didn't call in or show up ... and upon reflection i realised i had explanations and thought i had covered 3 of those 4 days so really there was only one unacceptable one. Anyhow, i let it happen. I let them fire me because deep down. i didn't want that job and i am too stubborn t quit because i know that i would be in this position and i didn't want to voluntarily put myself in this place. But yes, Another hectic thing is that before my day of firing i had been away for a week sort of exaggerating an illness. Milking it a bit. but the week i decided to go back i was the sickest person you would ever know. I had a neck the size of some sort of giant beast.

Anyhow, they fired me and as it turns out i have the glandular fever! hell, so all of last week i was without a job and hell sick and couldn't move because of all this neck pain with a million doctors telling me different things and giving me heaps of different antibiotics. and you know me, classic rebellious, unhappy with the opinion of a professional. i didn't wanna take any antibiotics which resulted in more and more sickness. anyhow, blood tests revealed i had the glanj. which sucks but i means i can go on centrelink without having to look for jobs because i have exemption. FUN!

Anyhow, the juicy bit! as a result of me not having a job (and being very in debt to rent due to hideous decisions a couple of months back) i can't afford to pay off that debt as well as live in my house and pay $145 a week! so i'm living with matt and his family. I rented my room out to some german backpackers. i left my bed and left it furnished. very fun!

Matt's house has been ok, seeing as though it's a family house so very clean.. but today, i started to feel a longing for "home" which i don't have anymore. I don't have a home anymore and the thing is everyone is always here so i never really have an escape. Plus, the fact that matt's family is really sweet and there's no sort of like room snobbery. everyone just sort of walks in and shit. Which is ok, but sometimes, aka today, i get a bit annoyed because where can i go to feel like i have privacy, like i have my own space. I don't have my own space. And i miss all my friends. They're all at this dumb doof or some other non Sydney place this weekend.
Laura, Geoff and Sez have been in Nimbin and Emma is up in the mountains. I feel weird about going to Croydon because i wouldn't actually be visiting anyone but Bromley.

So, that's my winge about life atm. There's always bound to be a winge. I'm trying to be some sort of strong and just DEAL! but it's not in my nature to suck it up. Its natural for me to play the victim, the damsel in some sort of way. I secretly love all this melodrama.

I have turned to the drinking which is fun. Getting moderately drunk every night... I got my redundancy pay out and i have spent so much on alcohol atm. I am drinking more here than i have ever at Croydon.

I got some good news today though, My delicious Marns is baking a bun in the oven. At first i was so apprehensive. and could not comprehend but now, i'm getting more into the idea and i want to be godparent! i would make the best godparent. Omg, i should totally suggest that marnie has some sort of game show style competition with all of her friends and stuff to determine who it will be.

I have been watching Paris Hilton's My New BFF just recently. It's the best! i SRSLY love paris hilton now. I think she is the most hilarious and ingenius thing ever. Some people may say she's stupid but seriously when you think about it, who really is the dumb one....?

Anyhow, i am a little bit over the whole writing thing now i might try and document a bit more of thoughts from now on. We'll see though. Macs are more fun so we'll see.
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crazy ferngully [12 Jan 2009|10:02pm]
i wrote something today.

Emily: The Goddess Of The SeaCollapse )
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years [09 Jan 2009|08:01pm]
it has been years since i updated.

I am in such a bad state today. I don't know if this is unusual but i always seem to find that i can advise people on things when they seem to be down on things offer them solutions to how they can get themselves into a better place. but i never seem to be able to apply these things to myself. Perhaps i have faith in other people's strength to be able to get over things better than my own.

It's getting a bit bleak with my current job. I want to be a 'normal' person. i am so envious of every body elses ability to be a normal functioning member of society. I just don't know how to committ myself to something so shit. everyone else has this ability. What is this part of my brain that is missing? Why do i give up so easily? stupid mentality.

it sucks because i try try try try try so hard to be a good working person but i can't do it. What am i cut out for? i really don't know. don't know how to get out of this hell. a solution would be to find another job but this, again, would only be a temporary solution. Once i get past some sort of honeymoon stage with it it will just be as good as where i am working now which is not good at all. except it will be worse because where else can you find somewhere that lets you look however the fuck you wanted. my face could get burned off and i could still get a job there.. haha

no matter how many solutions people seem to offer me i cannot get out of this mind frame. I am a dog with no legs.

I have so many things i want to achieve but at the moment i can't achieve these without getting some sort of training but to get training i must get some sort of good paying job and be stable enough to go every day so i get paid and have enough money to live plus save. It's a suck ass situation.

this has been an entry of entirely whinging. can i turn it around?

i had better go.. visitors arrive. finish this saga later.
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Clipped Wings [15 Dec 2008|11:53pm]
I just watched Otto; or, up with dead people.

It was quite nice. I enjoyed it. I think i am really into Bruce LaBruce.

I'm a little bit stuck wth the thinking fo what to write. We had our Xmessy party on Saturday. It was so largeness of realisations or something. It was quite fun.
So Bland. So little to say. So much to say but no energy to communicate when given the chance. This is basically how i've become DeadJournal. The only time i feel like writing stuff is when i am ar work or walking. Both of which times i have no access to internet or bloggings.

One day soon i might take 3 hours out of my life to document the last month or so in every detail and thought ever known to mankind.


The family is back up and stronger than ever. Some calling out for help has made some stronger bonds. Yes. Every YES!
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Coagulate [22 Oct 2008|02:30pm]
Catch up eh? I'm very displeased with this current weather. I stated yesterday, whis has kinda cemented my feelings, that i hate wind. It's good when i'm not outside and i can just close all the windows and pretend i live near the ocean.
I am also very over the lack of job situation. God, it's hella hella dull. Just the part of not having the moneys. I have so many faux addictions to fill that i cannot live in this un bourgeois anymore.
I got back from Brisbane yesterday. I didn't hate it as much as i hated it last time. Infact, this time i quite enjoy myself. Some epic mountain bush walk, getting more drunk than i ever have before.. in like 3 years or something. Yeh, all good.
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itty bitty [19 Aug 2008|08:51pm]
a couple of boring/amazing things that have been at the forefront of everything.

I got extremely hellishly flu-ish on Sunday. resulting in a vicious irony where i have been not going to work on an exaggerated illness and now that i am actually genuinely sick i don't have anymore paid sick days and also my being sick isn't taken seriously cause they think i'm a filthy bludger.

As a result of being sick i almost passed out on the train today. then again at Central station while waiting for food (which i concluded, on the train, that they fact i hadn't eaten for 48 hours or so could have contributed to the dizzy and the faintness) then one more time at work where i just put my head down on my desk. My Team Leader then acknowledged that i was probably genuinely ill and offered for me to go, which i declined initially but went home at 4.

more news, a crow lies outside my house, dead. It's rather epic. It was face down in the dirt but since i'm not too huge a fan on birds when they're alive the idea of going to much near it's stupid, rotting corpse kind of unnerves me. I just keep thinking that it's actually alive and pretending to be dead and if i walk past it will be all like "BAHHHH" and fly at my face. I love my face. i don't want it to be ruined. especially by some shitty ass bird.

I've developed somewhat of an ebay addiction. i think i'm paying for the addiction because a dvd player i ordered is yet to arrive. apparently it was sent on the 8th August although the people said it was sent via "Aust-post"... is that some sort of sneak australia post? why the need for the ""s? belloni

One other thing that captured my amusement greatly is that the Mayor of our local area's last name is FAKER. ok, so initially i thought it was a real estate sign out the front of someone's house which seemed hideously fitting though still bad. But it lead to me question many things, Why on earth, if you were in parliament, would you have a last name like FAKER? and also, why, if you were in any occupation where you were being the face of people and where you were respected and expected to do the right thing by everyone, would you have the surname Faker?? Would you just not change it?

Ok, it's now 9.05pm which means its wind down time. I'm determined to beat this bastard disease by the weekend. wish my luck with the cure
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magic dance [30 Jul 2008|10:38pm]
i feel so disconnected from livejournal. My relationship with it is really voyeuristic. I log on, stalk everyone else and then go. i leave no sign i've been on at all. not even a comment on anyone's blogs.
So, i've had a really enjoyable last few days at work because i decided that i would take books to read at work between phone calls because trying to find substance in the news.com.au website for 8 hours a day was getting really tiresome. Also, because it was filling me with all this unnecessary rage cause i kept reading people's opinions and comments on news stories,blogs etc. it made me INFURIATED! my favourite thing on it was the Winehouse section and i was greatly amused that there was a whole page dedicated to winehouse news. There was also a whole page dedicated to Paris Hilton. it greatly amused me but it was really dull because i mean she's kind of flown under the radar in terms of her media attention these days.
Anyhow, back to the reading. I read Catcher in the Rye which (i was reading for the second time) i LOVED, even more so than the first time i read it. I always find it extraordinarily necessary to read good books once every two years or so. because things always have a new meaning at different points in your life. unless you dont change in ONE BIT in two years. which is bizarre. who does that?
Anyhow, after reading catcher in the rye (which at the time i thought was so perfect and relevant to my life. i thought it was absolutely astonishing) i went on to reading Harry Potter the most recent book. it was so amazing. a beautiful emotional journey. I had these teary moments at work which was sort of annoying. i even got those little convulses at one or two points which were only slight but i still hope no one was watching me. oh, and one other thing that i did differently this time was that i DID NOT read the epilogue. i refuse to EVER read that again. what a hideous piece of writing. Oh GOD, don't get me started. It reminds me of perhaps when i was in year 5 or 6 and we read a book in class and one of the tasks was to write an alternative ending. The epilogue is something i would right. such a LOOSE ending. so full of holes and it's so basic and like.. i wouldn't be surprised if she revealed that she got one of her kids to write it. GOD it's so bad. but in a way i was always really less than impressed with J.K. Rowling's conclusion skills. i was always left dissatisfied with all the endings of her books. but this one TAKES THE MOTHER FUCKING CAKE. gosh. i cannot rant enough about how much i hate it.
My isolation at work has lead to decide that i MUST be a wizard as well. torn apart from the rest of society because of my big secret. i can only be myself around my friends and like minded people. i can simply NOT make a connection with these people. it's like an aspect of personality is hidden from these people.. aka wizardry. i am magic. i can make magic happen because i am a smart person. they aren't. i hope this makes sense. it makes perfect sense to me. i hope you can understand the parallels, the metaphor. If you don't, you mustn't be a wizard, you mustn't have the magic.
I was brought to the ultimate point of rage the other day because i was forced to witness something that touches a very, very sensitive spot in my brain, bullying. ok, it's really lame but i was watching australia's next top model and he story was there are under 18s in the competition which means there's bound to be ridiculous school yard type bitching, which i sort of didn't expect would be so severe. There was this girl who was like introverted, intelligent etc aka the geek. and she was the kind of girl who, like me back in the day, responded to bullying by not responding, thus giving them nothing to feed upon. Now, sometimes this works because you don't give the bully the satisfaction of getting an emotion out of you but some people are so persistent that they pester you until you break which is what these bitch ass girls did. and then there was a breaking point and vulnerability and tears and my chest was heaving in anger i almost turned it off because i couldn't stand to watch it. let me see if i can find the clip.





So, i guess you can get a rough idea. It was more emotional watching the whole of the series but yeh. i wanted to die and repeatedly stab someone. It was convenient actually cause one of the bullies was a friend of a friend so i messaged the friend in my rage going "you're friend is a cruel person" he got defensive naturally and the short of my reply was. i know its wrong of me to judge without meeting her but i know that good people don'd do this kind of thing.
It really just confuses me how people can be like that. it really stems from nowhere a lot of the time apart from insecurity. and i just don't understand the concept of 'oh, im really insecure about this thing.. I KNOW! i'll go and torment this person cause they have fuzzy hair, or they're quiet or they sit out during sports' humbug. i hate school children for this reason. I sometimes get inspired to become a school teacher because i foolishly believe i can somehow make an impact in eradicating some bullying.

So, i feel i've made a substantial enough rant to cover my inner feeling of guilt for not documenting my life to the fullest. I'm hoping to see the Rocky Horror show this weekend. it would be fantastic i feel. *fingers crossed till they snap*

alright, until another time, probably in a months time as goes the trend.
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beige face. [14 Jul 2008|06:38pm]
i was about to start this post by saying 'i feel really bizarre' which i soon realised was a lie. i felt bizarre at work today. my body decided that it was going to inflict that uncommon feeling of 'sickness' on me. I think i ate too much hommous. it was really difficult to exist. i was sitting for like an hour wondering whether i should ask to go home.

It sooned passed. putting it in retrospect today was the worst day at work. this guy i spoke to right at the beginning of the morning was a cunt to me cause i told him his ad didn't make gramatic sense. well, i wasnt an asshole about it.
Me: um.. ergg.. ok..
Him: what's wrong
Me: Just looking through your ad i'm not sure if there's supposed to be a full stop or soemthing here *quotes line that i am unsure about*
Him: well, it's technical terms for people that are laser techinicians will understand
Me: it just doesn't make grammatical sense. im just trying to understand what it's saying
Him: Well, it doesnt have to make sense to you!

*almost hangs up phone but opts for the option of staying on the phone and remaining bitter*

anyhow then i got sick and that was crap. i slugged it out and felt a bit better. Now, i'm a bit drunk and typing and eating delicious thai style curry.

oh, man i don't wanna progress with this entry. brb
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fading face. [30 Jun 2008|05:34pm]
i took the day off work today. partly because i woke up feeling so miserable and also because i woke up at 8 and i was supposed to start at 8.30 and i could figure no possible way of getting there on time. i thought my stupid face would appreciate the day off too.

I still feel not completely here. That being said, saturday was an amazing night. I feel so time rewind and like when i used to talk to people at parties rather than being an obnoxious dancing queen or something- ignoring all 'depth' and embracing superficiality like a mother fucker. I now feel a little bit crap. the obvious annoyance upon reflection thing.

I just wish that my body didn't just completely shut down. there was no way in the world that i could wake myself. it is very annoying. it seems to be a pattern in these pill taking party experiences. When they work they work well and then i'm dead. and i MUST sleep. although thinking about saturday i wish i could go back to that point because the feeling of absolutely NEEDING something was so amazing.

bah! nights are so small. everything is so small.. small little beasts you are.

I want to make dinner tonight but i'm not entirey sure what to make. really unmotivated. perhaps i'll make something really substandard and then go to bed and mope for the rest of the night.
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